We hear the stories of people who fall in love with their dog at first sight. Often, it’s a simple picture that sparks a lifelong lovefest. The pup, once welcomed into the home, exceeds all expectations and elevates even the ragged edges of their (now perfect) souls. It’s pure bliss from the first greeting. Happily ever after. A family’s best friend. Look how obedient!
This is a nice story, which is why the lucky few who experience it tell it early and often.
But most people do not have such a smooth journey. Not even those who do all the right research and read all the right books.
Living beings are complicated. It’s one of those inescapable cliches. Few of us get PERFECT. In fact, most of us who are “perfectly” happy still go through difficult periods. They are frustrating, painful, excruciating — even humiliating.
But the story does not have to end there.
Struggle is not a sign we’re doomed to fail. Doubt is not a moral failing. You’re not alone in feeling exasperated, and this uncertainty, ambivalence — even anger — is not a sign that things will never be right.
5 Tips for When You’re Feeling Hopeless
#1
Beware the dangers of too much advice. When you’re feeling desperate it’s tempting to try everything, to scour every corner of the internet, to consult every person on the block, to seek out every rerun on TV promising some secret master trick.
Lots of devices promise quick fixes; very few accomplished trainers, vets or behavioral consultants see evidence for these “optimistic” claims. The solution to a difficult dog is rarely some device you’ve yet to unearth.
Still, why not try them all?
Because the result is often a very confused dog and a very frustrated owner. Usually the dog needs more practice and consistency, not a continual cycle of “trying anything that might work.” One thing years of working with dogs has taught me is: Those who have tried “everything” have really tried nothing.
Go back to the basics. Focus on small steps that you can achieve. It’s not as boring as it sounds. Even when it is, it’s worth it. Getting help is good.
#2
Find Allies. Talk to people who have been through similar difficulties. Gently deflect the advice of well-meaning family and friends and acquaintances who have not been through similar issues. Find people who will support your efforts and not belittle them.
#3
Use Management in the Short-Term. With behavioral problems, you need to reduce stress as quickly as possible — and not just for the dog. A training plan will be more effective when the dog is given fewer chances to practice bad behaviors. Do not envision every intervention as needing to endure “for life.” Stop the bleeding. Get more sleep. Full freedom for the dog can come later.
#4
Focus on What the Dog is Learning. Progress can feel so good. But as we see glimpses of hope, those days with inevitable setbacks can start to feel even more devastating. It can be hard to focus on the positive, when the negative emotions just seem so darn strong. Keeping a journal or taking video to capture positive moments can help you to see that things really are getting better. Every hiccup is not a sign that things are doomed. Animal learning is not a flawless march forward.
#5
Find Calming Activities. For you. This might be meditation, prayer, reading, jogging, walking, yoga, playing the guitar. Whatever your personal belief system, don’t skimp on the activities that keep you calm and clear-headed. Neglecting yourself will not help things. We all make sacrifices for those we love, but take care of yourself also. To help a difficult dog, you’ve got to believe in yourself. One of my key roles as a trainer is to help people develop and believe in their own dog skills. Be your dog’s hero; not his martyr.
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We cannot change the past. The good news is, we don’t need to. We can still control our futures. Not completely. Not perfectly. Not without toil. Life leaves no plan unscathed.
But I’ve lost count of the number of occasions in which people, who now love their dogs more than just about anything in the world, pull me aside and whisper, often after a drink or two, often just as dusk is settling in and inhibitions start to dip, that they came very close to giving up on their beloved dog.
Their eyes fill with the hints of hard-earned tears, and I urge them to tell others. For feeling overwhelmed is not a personal failing. Those experiencing that disappointing despair need to know there’s a path forward, and that there’s a whole bunch of us rooting for them.
Nate Hess is the owner of Dogspring Training, LLC., which provides dog training and behavior consultation services in Fresno, Clovis and surrounding areas. He is a member of the Association of Professional Dog Trainers, the Pet Professional Guild, the International Association of Animal Behavioral Consultants and an evaluator for the AKC’s Canine Good Citizen program. He also consults with dog rescues across the country.